This entry’s a bit different than my usual fare. After watching the video embedded below, I started writing a comment. After about 500 words, I realized it was more of a blog entry. Then I realized I have a blog! So despite not really being in the “dating” phase of my life, I wanted to add my thoughts.
So, here are my advicey thoughts.
1) Ask if they’re single first.
I almost asked people I was interested in whether or not they’re single. Which, I know, sounds awkward. A lot of people prefer to beat around the bush on this one, hinting at what they want to find out without directly saying it. Oddly, my experience has taught that it’s a lot more pressure than just saying, “By the way, are you seeing anyone right now?” If you don’t make a big deal out of it, it usually won’t feel like a big deal.
Sure, there are ways to get your answer without asking. They may have already mentioned their status, and you can always check their Facebook as a preliminary measure. If the relationship status of your lovely somebody remains unclear, I seriously recommend asking outright.
That said, I also recommend setting up a situation where you can reply with a non-awkward response if they say they’re romantically unavailable. So, for example, talk about a movie and then say, “By the way, are you seeing anyone?” If they say yes, suggest a double date! You wanted to get to know this person better because you thought they would be a awesome addition to your life, right? Well, now maybe you can have two awesome additions—plus the incentive to go find someone else interesting enough to ask out.
If they’re not single, you’ve managed to dodge rejection on the grounds of relationship status. If they are single, you’ve managed to indicate interest without applying pressure—which can be a good start on feeling out how your lovely somebody feels about the possibility of dating.
2) Let people know if you’re taken.
This advice is for the people who want to avoid the potential awkwardness of getting asked out. First off, go ahead and list your status on Facebook. You’d be surprised how often Facebook-stalking is the first phase of asking someone out.
Facebook aside (you can’t count on everyone checking, and you may not be comfortable with your Aunt Nana knowing you’ve got a special friend), I think the standard I’ve seen works pretty damn well. That standard is what I like to call “sly drops”: Finding a non-terrible moment to say something like, “My girlfriend/boyfriend and I saw this movie over the weekend, and it was terrible. Have you seen it?”
Indicating you’re single is harder, because specifying your single status can sound like desperation if you represent it as a negative thing and like pressure for the person to ask you out if you’re too direct. Meanwhile, mentioning other dates you’ve gone on recently can indicate things about your preferred dating style that may or may not be true to your preference (e.g., indicating that you’re in a place where you prefer casually dating around when you’re actually quite selective, or implying that you have other suitors when you actually don’t). But why are you indicating you’re single, exactly? More thoughts in this in #3, below.
In any case, people being surprised that you’re single carries a lot less potential for awkwardness than people being surprised that you’re taken. So for the taken among you, list
3) Girls: Ask the boys out.
I understand that there are certain social expectations, here. You don’t want to scare off your crush by being too forward. But if your crush would be scared off by you being assertive … is that really the kind of person you want to date?
I hope not. A guy who’s bothered by you being assertive is already making an assumption that men should have the power in relationships, and as such deserves to be avoided at all costs. Meanwhile, the sort of guys who want to have a relationship that empowers you will probably find your assertiveness attractive.
Too often, our society tells us that men should act while women should be acted upon. That is just not cool. Please do join with me in rejecting that broken cultural narrative, and start asking people out rather than simply hinting that you want to be asked.
4) Have a preliminary “non-date.”
“Wanna grab a cup of coffee?”
Use it like a catch phrase. It’s simple, it’s low-key, it’s no-pressure, and it gives you an opportunity for coffee.
5) Clarify that it’s a date at the time of asking.
It may be awkward, but it’s a hell of a lot less awkward than two people having an activity that only one of them realizes is a date. That said, you don’t have to be forceful about the date status.
Think about it: If you’re asking them to an activity, they’re probably already be wondering if you intend it as a date. If they want it to be a date, you may be causing them unnecessary angst by not clarifying. If they don’t want it to be a date, you may be leading them to unnecessary effort. Seriously: Them bringing those six friends to the movie? That’s probably them trying to communicate that they’re not interested in dating. Plus, hanging out as friends can be a great thing, so long as everyone knows what’s going on. You’re sabotaging that opportunity too when you leave the “this is a date” status unclear.
So just slip it in. In the vid’s example, something like, “Wanna come with me? We can make a date out of it” works just fine.
6) Don’t spend a lot of money on the first date.
There was a girl I went on a couple dates with a few years ago. I had a pretty significant crush on her, and I hadn’t really found my footing in the dating arena. I compensated by trying to take her to fancy events: The first date was to a concert, the second was going out for sushi and a show.
Here’s why spending a bunch of money like that is a terrible idea:
- You don’t know them yet. Why invest a bunch of money when you don’t, and really can’t, have any idea what potential the relationship holds?
- Spending a lot of money makes you look desperate. Worse, it can make it seem like you’re trying to buy their affections. No one wants to feel like they’re being purchased.
- It adds pressure, and pressure gets in the way of your objective here: Getting to know them. (Yes. Seriously. That should be your goal.)
- The “who’s gonna pay” question is difficult enough as it stands. If one or the other of you covers a $10 ticket, it’s way less uncomfortable than a $50 ticket.
- It sets a precedent. Are you rich? I’m not. Unless you can afford to take them on fancy dates permanently, taking them on a fancy first date will lead to an “it only gets worse from here” scenario.
- You should save money. You’re single right now. Don’t burn your cash on dates with people who aren’t likely to stay in your life for the long haul. At a maximum, you will only be dating one of these people a year from now.
As far as a good first-date budget, I’ve found $20 to $30 hits a nice balance between “not a big deal” and “I promise I’m not cheap,” but there’s no reason that you can’t do a date for even less. (See #7 and #8, below, for some specific ideas.)
7) Ask them to an activity, not a passivity.
A movie is a terrible first date. Remember that goal I mentioned in #5? That you should be trying to get to know them? How you gonna do that in a theater? Find spaces to talk, but also add as much of a collaborative element as you can. What are things you can participate in, experience, or (best of all) create together?
Not only will these types of activity serve as a basis for discussion: They’ll give a chance to learn who the person is rather than just who it is they say they are.
8) Ask them to an activity you’d want to do on your own.
Hhave you been wanting to learn glass blowing? Ask your potential date to go to a course with you. Been curious about the archery range down the street? Archery and dinner is a fantastic date (I know from experience). Been wanting to go back to one of your favorite hiking spots? A day in nature can be a wonderful way to get to know a person. A date is a great excuse to get whatever experience you’ve been craving.
The type of activity you go to says a lot about you, so you’re doing your date a favor by letting your personality play in. (They want to get to know who you are too, remember?) Plus, some of the best “rewards” I’ve gotten from dating came in the form of exposure to ideas, opportunities, events, and favorite places I would have never gotten to on my own.
You’re also doing yourself a bunch of favors: If the date is a bust, you can still enjoy the activity. You won’t feel like you’re wasting your time. And you be establishing a pattern of pretending you like things that you really don’t care about. (It’s a bad pattern to establish. Trust me.)
I’ve certainly had a lot of memorable dates: the aforementioned archery and dinner, dressing in formals and going to a bowling alley, cooking classes, “virtual travel,” actual travel (the first date I took one girl on turned into a spontaneous trip to Vegas), and a lot more. But those … those are topics for another day.
How about you? What are your thoughts?
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